What provokes your questions?

When are you getting married? No job yet? When’s the baby due?

We’ve all asked the “wrong” question or posed a question at the wrong time.

I recently asked, “How are you today?”

“I’m the way I always am,” was followed by a five-minute drama to help me get it through my head that things are bad.

Even our admirable intentions can be overshadowed by somebody else’s self-defeating attitude. Let’s be honest, though, sometimes we ask a question that’s really a suggestion to somebody who didn’t ask for our two cents.

Keep a question to yourself (even if you’re family, a close friend, or part of the media!) when you are:
— Being judgmental.
— Really saying, “I told you so.”
— Feeling satisfaction in somebody else’s misfortune.
— Offering unsolicited advice.

If you’re thinking, “It’s no wonder you can’t find a job,” keep your mouth shut. And if, “Have you lost weight?” is a snide remark, change your attitude.

Make your questions — and your comments — thoughtful and constructive.

If you’re the one being asked the dreaded questions, consider the source. Don’t react in anger or embarrassment. In other words, don’t be unloving because somebody else is.

If Aunt Harriett asks you the same question every Sunday, “Why aren’t you married yet?” take a deep breath, smile, and tell her the truth. That could sound like, “You know, Aunt Harriett, it dawns on me that it’s none of your business,” or “I don’t want to be married right now.”

Avoid, “You know, Aunt Harriett, I’ve seen so many miserable marriages — take yours, for example — that I have no interest!” But it’s OK to tell her, without malice, that you’re in no hurry to tackle what so many “older and wiser” people have failed to do well.

The truth is magic! And humor is a close second.

In “Pregnant Pause,” Carrie Friedman writes:

“So … ? When are the babies coming?”

I had been married all of five minutes, and this was the only thing my third cousin twice removed, whom I’d never met but my mother insisted we invite, had to say to me: not “beautiful ceremony,” not “I hope you and your brand-new husband are happy forever,” not “Hey, I’m your third cousin twice removed. Nice to meet you.”

“I thought I’d eat my cake first,” I said, and laughed it off.

Some people unwittingly ask an inappropriate or untimely question just because they don’t know what else to say. You can come up with something, though. Friedman just offered three options.

Caring is always fitting … and almost always welcome. When I got a curt response to my upbeat question, “How are you today?” I also learned a lesson.

It’s easy to ask a question in a routine way, with a lack of attention to the individual’s situation. We don’t want to assume the worst, but we want to be sensitive and present. Then if somebody barks at you, she just might apologize.

When you sincerely care, people tend to know that (and they might even ask for your opinion). Likewise, if you merely go through the motions or seek out gossip or pour salt in wounds, people know that.

If you’re genuinely interested in being constructive, instead of asking, “Have you found a job yet?” you might say, “I heard about a job and mentioned your name — sounded like it might be a great opportunity.”

And when somebody asks you an untoward question, try giving him or her the benefit of the doubt. Respond as though they’re nice, and at least you will be.

Whether you’re asking or answering the questions (and you often do one or the other), let your words reflect a positive attitude. And when you can’t quite pull that off, you might fall back on funny.