Response to irritation is telling …

Your response in the most trying moments of an intimate relationship predicts your future.

She’s doing it again — why can’t she just shut up long enough for you to want to be in the same room with her? Or why can’t he just once give you his attention for a few minutes, without the remote or the book or the food?

A study by researchers at the University of Michigan (U-M) tells us that if you find your partner irritating, you’re likely to find him or her more irritating as time goes by. Further, the results suggest that as couples get older, they are more apt to avoid confrontation than discuss problems, and that negativity is a normal part of close relationships.

Intimate relationships challenge us on a deeper level than any other relationships. It’s easier to play and talk nice from a distance. It’s when somebody gets in your face — and your heart — that they’re close enough to abrade you.

And if all that rubbing you the wrong way really polished you — gem that you are — you wouldn’t find your partner more irritating as time passed.

In the face of irritation, you can: 1) fight, 2) flee, 3) lose hope, or 4) love. To simply irritate each other or “fight” is to fuel (not vent) your anger.

To “flee” is to repress the anger. We can run from a partner, but we carry the anger inside us, however far or wide we roam.

To “lose hope” is to give up and quit trying; it is to stop growing and start dying.

To “love” is to accept a partner unconditionally. And acceptance is the most effective change agent — it enlivens the best in both the giver and the receiver.

It seems easier to “fight.” When we’re coming from ego, we defend ourselves — against our very own partners. We want to be right. We dig in our heels and paint ourselves into a corner.

But, hey, when we don’t think we can win, we’re more apt to “flee.” Every time we do, we stuff a little more anger inside, pushing what’s already there a little deeper; we grow bitterness.

When we “lose hope,” we give up and resign ourselves to losing. We see no sense in fighting or fleeing. We cannot win and we have no place to run. Besides, we are weary…seemingly too weary, even to love.

But sometimes giving up is what it takes for us to realize that we don’t reallywant to die. And when we have exhausted the possibility of triumph in fighting or fleeing, we just might be ready to give loving a fair shot.

When we decide that life is worth living — that we are worth saving — we also realize that our partners are worth loving.

And here’s the good news: We can realize this before giving up! We can realize this before fueling our anger or stuffing it deeper.

The information gleaned from their study left U-M researchers speculating about why people view their spouses more negatively over time. U-M research fellow Kira Birditt, Ph.D., explained to me that maybe we become more comfortable expressing both our negative and positive feelings for one another. And perhaps that would leave us feeling — or recognizing — more irritation.

My theory is that in those trying moments, each partner can choose to feed irritation or love. And in doing so, each chooses to see their partner as more or less irritating in the future.

We don’t get irritated; our egos do. And there is no turning them into polished gems.