Not all chemistry starts with a bang …

From a client:

I had a date with a guy last night. It was our third date. He’s very nice, funny, intelligent and considerate. In short, I like him, and I enjoy his company. I’m attracted to him, but not overly, if you know what I mean.

At the end of the first date, he kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for the date. I thought that was so nice.

After the second date, he kissed me and then started kissing me again (hoping for a make-out session, I think), and I kind of kissed him and said thanks for a nice time. I got a call from him the next day apologizing for “trying too hard” and saying that he just likes me. I told him there was no need to apologize, that I’m not anti-kissing, but I just think if we jump into certain situations too quickly, things will change. He was fine with that.

Last night we had a third date, and there was some hugging and kissing afterward. He e-mailed me later, and we had a “conversation” about being physical. I’m not real sure that he understands, because then he told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to take a chance. He also said he feels that time goes by so quickly that you have to grab on to things, and whatever happens will happen.

Well, Jan, I agree with most of that, but the thing is I don’t feel the chemistry to BE physical with him — at least not yet. Doesn’t mean I won’t feel that way with time. Is this wrong?

I like the guy, and he told me last night that he likes me a lot. I don’t want to stop seeing him, but I don’t want to keep blowing him off when he wants to be physical.

My Response:

Not being overly attracted CAN be a gift. You have a chance to get to know him and develop feelings based on what you really have together–and not what you might use to justify sex.

You can explore, without being preoccupied with passion, your potential for true intimacy in the areas we’ve talked about: behavioral, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sexual. Based on that, you’ll become more or less attracted to him.

Continue to enjoy his company. You are not blowing him off; you are allowing yourself to be true to what you feel. You are not being intimidated; you don’t have to feel or do more at his pace. AND you don’t have to stop seeing him because you don’t.

His admonition not to be afraid is fine, but I don’t think you are holding back physically out of fear. Talk to him, maybe more nakedly. Let him know that you’re allowing time for your feelings to kick in — and not simply restraining them or your physical urges. One can hold back OR jump in out of fear.

You might see if he’s willing to consider the possibility that fear is a motivating factor for him to “grab on to things.” I’m not saying it is, but you have an opportunity to explore his depth and honesty–a wonderful thing to do!

Enjoy! Be happy! Be free! Be true to yourself … and trust the outcome!