How do you respond to a lack of desire?

“He’s just not that interested in sex anymore … and desire has always been a big turn-on for me.”

She said the words, without realizing their significance, during a weekend retreat designed to help her and her husband restore intimacy in their relationship. Women want to be sexually desired. It’s in their genes … and, for the most part, they work at it.

So, when men don’t demonstrate their longing, women can be sorely disappointed.

What many women don’t seem to understand is that men are also turned on by their partner’s yearning … and this can be particularly true in a committed relationship, in which the man is foregoing the variety he’s biologically driven to seek out.

So, what happens when both partners develop a take-it-or-leave-it attitude about sex? Right — they don’t have it very often. And their desire continues to wane.

If your partner no longer seems sexually attracted to you, your ego alone offers you reason enough to be nonchalant. Smile. And, yes, your nonchalance (like his) can be a big turn off. And the hard-to-get strategy can be downright ineffective played amidst the daily grind, breeding more resentment than desire.

If you want your partner to demonstrate heated desire, demonstrate your own. If you’ve lost it, take the time to find it.

That might sound easier than it is — not because it’s difficult, but because you have to want to find it enough to make it a priority, enough to devote time to that, instead of about a million other things. And, let’s face it, it’s easier to simply forego sex and blame it on your partner’s lack of desire.

This is especially true as you get older. Then, you can chalk it off to hormones or impotence or normal aging. But, you’re not really kidding yourself, right? Sex can be enjoyed into your 90s and, probably, beyond.

Having sex is an ideal way to signal your body to keep rejuvenating, rather than yield to the tide of atrophy. That is precisely what exercise does.

OK, how do you find lost desire? Renew your commitment to being desirable. When you know that you are, you’re less apt to personalize your partner’s lack of passion. That gets your ego out of the way, so that you can find your sweetheart sexually attractive, even if he (or she) is oblivious to your charms and lingerie.

It will be tougher for him to ignore sincere desire. He won’t want to — just the way you don’t want to. Please note that I’m not talking about mere sexual craving; I’m talking about desire specific to your partner.

While primal lust can be very appealing, it can also seem distasteful when the “object” of your lust is not that “into you.”

It’s difficult to separate ego from sex. Part of the glory of sex is historically being sought after and being able to please … you know being the “best lover he ever had.” And wanting him has been almost synonymous with his wanting you and wanting him to want you!

A committed relationship, though, especially between mature adults just might demand a change … unless, that is, you want to continue to let the passion die. The problem is that when you pull the plug on sexual passion, you pull the plug on other pieces of your life.

And all those pieces are connected. They don’t live and die independent of each other.

So, if you want to live, take the time to keep sex alive in your relationship. And, yes, I’m saying that that can be about as simple as finding the desire you let go of for your partner.

Find it. And chances are he’ll find his.

With it, you’ll both enjoy a more satisfying relationship … and a healthier, probably longer, life.