Don’t give your insecurity or ego a starring role …

Years ago, while I was dating a psychiatrist, he told me that I was too often disappointed with him. I was goo-gah over his brain, and he melted me — and everybody else — when he smiled. He saw through people and felt warm toward them; and they knew it. Disappointed in him? Not this girl.

Bless my insecure little 30-year-old heart, though, I acted like I was.

When he told me that our issues were clashing, I thought it was mostly about my not feeding his ego. I thought that was a good thing. Without realizing it, though, I continued to feed my own ego and want him to feed it.

Truth is, I wanted desperately to feel good enough for him!

Now I realize that he probably saw through my defensiveness, and understood his own need for reinforcement. He still wanted somebody who was impressed by him. I was — the condo, the car, the Yale degree — but I was unable to express that freely. I was too self-conscious about my own shortcomings to ignore his shortcomings while I underscored his strengths.

I couldn’t even do more pull-ups than he could … and that was the one thing I had over on almost anybody. Not exactly a significant thing, I know.

I’m telling you all this to get you to look at your own relationship. Your insecurity screens your would-be expression of appreciation for your partner.

Of course, you’re aware of the his tight rear end that all your friends can’t help but notice, but if you’re really insecure about yours, you might be very low key about his. Or maybe you criticize her diligence, without realizing that it’s because you wish you had more of it.

It’s tough to praise somebody else for precisely what we think we’re lacking, even when that somebody is our partner.

The toughest part is just getting it out in the open. But when we have the courage to be honest with our self about what we’re feeling, we have a shot at saying it out loud. And when we do, a loving partner can help us work through our insecurities … and find the guts to share their own.

You can’t look at who you truly are and be disappointed. You CAN look at your facade, or your defense for who you are, and be disappointed.

Ultimately, you both want to face your insecurities and stop feeding your ego. And that means finding what you buried beneath that ego.