Five Ways to Raise a “Good Enough” Child

If your child’s learning to win the approval of others doesn’t seem like much of a problem, wait till he grows up and marries someone he thinks he should marry, works in a job she hates because it’s expected of her, gets in debt buying a house or car that makes him seem more successful than he really is, or is on a perpetual diet and hates her body because women are supposed to be thin.

You can stop this negative conditioning! As a parent (when you’re not caught up in your own insecurities), you instinctively know that your child is good enough. Your child, every child, was born with a spark of divinity — or love — within. And it is enough! Here are five ways to reinforce that positive message.

• Be there for him. Let your child have his true feelings — sadness or fear, for example. Show him with your support, reassurance, and presence that it’s okay to have emotions, and that you’ll stay with him through all those feelings, without judging.

• Teach her not to personalize rejection. If someone tells her she’s ugly or too brainy, for example, remind her that someone else’s words aren’t the truth. The truth is that she’s beautiful — just the way she is.

• Teach him not to worry what other people think. If he’s afraid to take chorus at school for fear of being teased, or cuts class with his friends to be part of the “cool” crowd, help him understand that following others won’t help him to be happy.

• Encourage her individuality. If your child wants to wear a pink tutu to church and it embarrasses you, consider the message you might be giving her about being an individual and expressing herself. Unless it’s an act that could harm your child, try to allow her to do what she needs to do in order to fully explore who she is.

• Show him he is loved —unconditionally. Remind your child dozens of times a day, in gestures, words, and acts that you love him just the way he is. A child who learns that he really is good enough will grow into a confident, healthy, fulfilled adult.

Remember: Parents teach by example, so the most important thing you can do is get to know, love, and be your authentic self. Don’t let somebody else define you. Don’t dismiss what you feel; learn to understand where your negative emotion comes from (I can promise you it’s not about the toothpaste cap). Don’t personalize rejection or somebody else’s preferences; they can’t make you any better or worse than you are.

And while you’re learning to appreciate who you really are, you’ll naturally spend time every day teaching your child to see the value of being true to himself.