The growth of your relationship will keep up with your personal growth.… More

According to one study, half of married/partnered women are dissatisfied with their sex life … and I’m guessing some of the other half were afraid to admit to it.

Our satisfaction — men’s and women’s — correlates with how much disparity there is between what we have and what we want. What’s not clear is what we really want versus what we’ve been programmed to want.

We can be preoccupied by what the media portrays pretty people as having, or what parents say is appropriate, or what somebody suggested was normal. And conflicting notions alone are enough to make us feel unsettled and dissatisfied.

Before marrying my first husband and having sex for the first time, I thought sex would be a spectacular, mystical experience. I imagined something, without any idea what, equivalent to fireworks, but it was years before I saw anything close. You may have thought you were alone in your disappointment, but I suspect you’re in the majority.

Our imaginations — though they lack details — are fueled by unrealistic love stories on silver screens. And it is no wonder that we choose those over the reality that we see in parents and other would-be role models.

The problem with romantic stories — on or off the screen — is that they’re apt to lack practical details.… More

When we trigger somebody’s I’m-not-good-enough wound, they may attack us. We don’t have to attack back. Love doesn’t feel threatened; and we don’t have to feel threatened, either. We can be an example of love, and coming to peace and community even in the face of the inevitable chaos created by somebody else’s fear-based defensiveness. That said, sometimes being an example of love means detaching yourself from abuse, while learning what you can from the experience.

Let’s say your partner learned to be stoic (rather than express his emotions) in order to win his father’s acceptance. It was a matter of survival! Even years later, simply asking your partner what he’s feeling may trigger his wound enough for him to attack you. If you understand that, you can respond lovingly, rather than hit back. But if your loving response meets with repeated abuse, you don’t have to hang around for it. You can trust love to teach him how to shed his security blanket and heal his wounds, when he’s ready. You can be part of that process, without sticking around for it to play out.

We’re all in Love School. And shedding the defensive armor to heal our wounds is the work of a lifetime.… More