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He’s got me …

Sam’s in Kentucky working. And we don’t generally talk a lot while he’s away. But all he has to say is GMML* by text for me to feel him moving deep inside my heart.

*Good morning my love… More

What really bothers you? Is it about you or your partner?

Is what bothers you in your relationship about you or your partner?

It dawned on me that I felt anxiousness in some of Sam’s little remarks–something as innocent as, “Where’s my wallet,” or “I want my kiss.” And it wasn’t Sam’s anxiety. It was mine.

There was no problem; and Sam wasn’t suggesting a problem. But it FELT like he was suggesting that something was awry, that something needed my attention, and that my attention was tardy!

And that, friends, touches on how I coped as a child. Order was my sanity, my survival.

Any anxiousness felt by me is always about me!

Knowing what still lingers in my unconscious, I can reprogram on a deeper level.

Note: This is actually a memory I’m re-sharing. But I am forever a work in progress. … More

Is the prince(ss) in?

Remember your favorite fairytale? What can it teach you about yourself, why you’ve done what you’ve done and, perhaps, what you’re still waiting for?

Mine was “Cinderella.” She diligently swept and sang, undeterred and untainted by her mean stepmother and stepsisters. And, she was rewarded … with a prince, no less.

It’s so telling. I spent a big chunk of my life trying to smile while I forged ahead with what I thought was expected of a “good” person.

As it turns out, the sun and the rain come down on the just and the not so just. Darn, I knew that; I grew up with the Bible. And good behavior is its own reward — provided our motivation is pure.

It’s tempting to turn our good behavior into a self-righteous cloak that makes us better than everybody else … only a self-righteous cloak doesn’t really score any “good” points.

I recently watched the movie “Michael” for the first time. It’s about a scratch-where-it-itches angel who ate too much sugar and taught people to take the long way home and laugh more.

Played by John Travolta, Michael probably defies your fairytale images. We don’t just get confused (at a very young age) about what our goodness looks like; we get confused about what goodness in general looks like.… More

How open are you?

… More

Forever a student of love …

Dear Friends,

I am more engaged than ever in my relationship with my husband Sam. And it’s because I am more free.

Often, we think we’ve gotten over a hurdle. And we have; but there are more to jump. We miss out if we stop recognizing the hurdles. They’re opportunities to lose more fear.

Aging is a gift (bearing hurdles). It demands that we work to keep our relationship vibrant … or give up on aliveness. Love perseveres.

And I want to report that it’s worth it. Sam and I have been volleying a ball back and forth in the pool before dinner. It’s such a simple thing, but it’s enchanting. And it’s an example of loving and accepting each other, having fun, and not keeping score. And, hey, we play like we mean it, so it’s good exercise.

Forever a student of love,

Jan

PS: This is part of my weekly newsletter. You can sign up on my page or my website. … More

Forgiving yourself is freedom to fly …

Tears ran down her face as she asked me, “How do I forgive myself?”

Forgiveness is a critical step toward a healthy life, and you can only take it after you’ve had the courage to face the truth. It’s easier to move on — just not in a positive direction — while you’re still lying to yourself about what you did or who’s to blame.

If lying to yourself seems far-fetched, consider a few facts:

Many people think it’s OK to tell a white lie.

Some think it’s OK to cheat a little on their taxes.

Some think what a partner doesn’t know won’t hurt him (or her).
You probably don’t blatantly deny your behavior, but there’s a good chance you justify some of it. And justification often implies trying to make something “wrong” less wrong. But is there really such a thing as less wrong? White lies and black lies? Innocent cheating and tainted cheating?

The truth has a way of catching up with us. And when it does, we are forced to deal with it. Running from the truth is exhausting. And it’s like running from a police officer; you can’t do it (except in the movies) without digging yourself into a deeper hole.… More