Love has no agenda …

Let’s start at the beginning, with once upon a time. Let’s feel a new born’s attunement with his mother. Look in on a child as he latches on to a security blanket to cope with fear and rejection. See an adult reinforcing that blanket and shaping it into a suit of armor to win approval. And finally, let’s imagine an authentic spiritual being free of fear, exposed, but invulnerable! That’s when the prince (or princess) appears–when he is no longer “needed.” … More

When we let love slip away, we’re easily disappointed. And when we’re disappointed, we often CREATE conflict. Our partners and most humans seem unsatisfactory. When we’re looking for flaws or scapegoats, we’re surrounded! Anything that’s different from the ideal we’ve conjured up can be a foul, a convenient excuse, a reason to cringe or attack.

The differences aren’t difficult to resolve when we want to resolve them. It’s when we’re not interested in resolving them that they seem insurmountable! And sometimes we’d rather be right than validate somebody else’s view or reach a compromise (that’s the last thing we want). When we are afraid to lose (the argument or whatever it is we’re clutching), we want to make somebody else lose. As long as somebody else is wrong, we have grounds for disappointment. We have an argument to stand on, maybe even a principle to defend, by God.

But when we open up to love, love moves the spotlight from our differences to our sameness. And our differences seem insignificant … mostly because they are.

When you don’t feel love, just look around and embrace it again … and let it replace conflict with harmony!… More

Dear Jan: A divorced woman moved into the house next door to mine two weeks ago, and I find her attractive. I have seen her outside a couple of times and felt intimidated — a little. Last night I rang her doorbell. Another woman came to the door, so I asked if the owner was home. She went and got her. My neighbor’s name is Pam. She has two children — one 22 and one 18. I thought the conversation on the front porch went well and left with a good feeling.

I would like to be neighborly friends, but I also want to take her out. How do I come across as not being just a neighbor, but someone interested in dating? I know nothing about her and want to find out all I can. Should I start by asking her to go to breakfast or do something that wouldn’t be a full-fledged date? — More Than a Neighbor

What a great question! You have inspired a column — here goes.
As you point out, what you want to do is learn more about your new neighbor. And it’s probably a good idea to do that before you ask her out on a date.… More

When we learn what doesn’t work in relationships, we also learn what does work. So, don’t be afraid to keep learning! … More

Whether you wash his clothes, meet her for lunch, exercise together, or text each other today, do it like you mean it!… More

When we trigger somebody’s I’m-not-good-enough wound, they may attack us. We don’t have to attack back. Love doesn’t feel threatened; and we don’t have to feel threatened, either. We can be an example of love, and coming to peace and community even in the face of the inevitable chaos created by somebody else’s fear-based defensiveness. That said, sometimes being an example of love means detaching yourself from abuse, while learning what you can from the experience.

Let’s say your partner learned to be stoic (rather than express his emotions) in order to win his father’s acceptance. It was a matter of survival! Even years later, simply asking your partner what he’s feeling may trigger his wound enough for him to attack you. If you understand that, you can respond lovingly, rather than hit back. But if your loving response meets with repeated abuse, you don’t have to hang around for it. You can trust love to teach him how to shed his security blanket and heal his wounds, when he’s ready. You can be part of that process, without sticking around for it to play out.

We’re all in Love School. And shedding the defensive armor to heal our wounds is the work of a lifetime.… More