Love has no agenda …

He controls everything. He insisted on this house — three doors down from his parents. I can’t even consider work in another city. And any vacation we get is used up on the annual trip to his sister’s.

Whether you struggle with a partner over where to live, what to eat or where to send the kids to school, what you struggle for is control, or power.

Only one of you can have the deciding vote, which means the other one has to relinquish power. Sometimes one partner is ready to concede on virtually every issue, but that’s likely to be the same partner who’s ready to relinquish responsibility — and blame you for what’s wrong.

The roles aren’t generally that well-defined. And even when they are, new situations present themselves, and partners change their minds, get resentful or feel unappreciated. They struggle!

Sadly, they continue to struggle even after they’ve forgotten what they thought was worth fighting for. That’s how we know the struggle — between partners, communities or countries — is mostly about power.

Case in point, do Republicans disagree with Democrats more than they disagree with other Republicans? Are they fighting for a cause or for control? And by the time they’ve done what’s required to gain power, have they relinquished their true power?… More

The growth of your relationship will keep up with your personal growth.… More

I don’t usually schedule consultations for Saturday, but I made an exception. I was expecting my client, and new friend, to arrive shortly when I received a phone call saying that she was running about an hour behind.

I hesitated. Then, I reasoned a means of juggling my plans for the day and said that it would be OK. After I hung up, I realized that I often reason things out before deciding that they will be OK. I also realized that everything will be OK with or without my reasoning.

Oh, I understand that there’s a place for reason. And you get to decide how large a place it deserves in your life. I have decided to move it into a smaller place in mine.

I know that “everything will be OK” whether I have reasoned it to be so …or not. I know that sometimes my reasoning occupies space that I could give to creativity, or spontaneity, or love. I know that my reasoning can impede the natural flow and make things worse instead of better.

Deepak Chopra’s fourth law of spiritual success is the law of least effort. The law suggests that we practice acceptance, take responsibility for problems and opportunities, and relinquish defensiveness and be open to other viewpoints.… More

According to one study, half of married/partnered women are dissatisfied with their sex life … and I’m guessing some of the other half were afraid to admit to it.

Our satisfaction — men’s and women’s — correlates with how much disparity there is between what we have and what we want. What’s not clear is what we really want versus what we’ve been programmed to want.

We can be preoccupied by what the media portrays pretty people as having, or what parents say is appropriate, or what somebody suggested was normal. And conflicting notions alone are enough to make us feel unsettled and dissatisfied.

Before marrying my first husband and having sex for the first time, I thought sex would be a spectacular, mystical experience. I imagined something, without any idea what, equivalent to fireworks, but it was years before I saw anything close. You may have thought you were alone in your disappointment, but I suspect you’re in the majority.

Our imaginations — though they lack details — are fueled by unrealistic love stories on silver screens. And it is no wonder that we choose those over the reality that we see in parents and other would-be role models.

The problem with romantic stories — on or off the screen — is that they’re apt to lack practical details.… More

Although death is certain, it epitomizes the uncertainty that unnerves us. We don’t know how or when it will strike … or what will follow.

Death is oblivious to status, money, fame, age and even health. Martin Luther King Jr., Princess Diana, John McCain … and members of our own families attest to death’s apparent indiscrimination.

We don’t like to be caught off guard, but how do we prepare for death? What allows some of us to feel ready and fearless?

“How did you get so smart?” asked Larry Dargie, “It took me 82 years to get this smart.”

I had just delivered my very first talk on relationships in 2001 in Ocala, Florida, and Larry was among the first to shake my hand afterward. Between then and now he would come to hear me speak several times — in Ocala, Gainesville, Ormond by the Sea and Cedar Key. He died at 90 years old.

Not everybody who frequents my workshops is a dear friend. Larry was. I don’t think he ever showed up alone. He brought people with him — one, two, three, four, five. He shared me; he shared himself.

And he didn’t stop living because he was old.… More

When we trigger somebody’s I’m-not-good-enough wound, they may attack us. We don’t have to attack back. Love doesn’t feel threatened; and we don’t have to feel threatened, either. We can be an example of love, and coming to peace and community even in the face of the inevitable chaos created by somebody else’s fear-based defensiveness. That said, sometimes being an example of love means detaching yourself from abuse, while learning what you can from the experience.

Let’s say your partner learned to be stoic (rather than express his emotions) in order to win his father’s acceptance. It was a matter of survival! Even years later, simply asking your partner what he’s feeling may trigger his wound enough for him to attack you. If you understand that, you can respond lovingly, rather than hit back. But if your loving response meets with repeated abuse, you don’t have to hang around for it. You can trust love to teach him how to shed his security blanket and heal his wounds, when he’s ready. You can be part of that process, without sticking around for it to play out.

We’re all in Love School. And shedding the defensive armor to heal our wounds is the work of a lifetime.… More