Love has no agenda …

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If we start where we are now with what we have, we can trust love to forge a path that provides for our growth.… More

From a reader: “You said what makes two people compatible is how deeply and broadly they connect. Intuitively, it sounds right to me, but what exactly does it mean? How does it play out in a relationship?”

To connect deeply we have to get naked, not just physically (that’s the easy part), but mentally and emotionally. We can’t skate on the surface chatting about the weather and expect to attract a soul mate.

We have to risk talking about religion and politics, spirituality and values, dreams we still dream, lessons we can’t seem to learn, and fears we still run from. We have to share from a deep place inside of us if we want to connect deeply. As simple as that sounds, it can be difficult just to face some of what’s in there, let alone pull it out and share it with somebody we’re trying to impress.

The irony is that once you’ve looked at what’s in there, you start to realize how amazing you are! That doesn’t mean everybody will connect with you. But whether they connect or not, if you’re trying to determine compatibility, rather than prove it, your mission is accomplished! And there need not be any hurt feelings.… More

The heart-wrenching pain of a breakup can be too severe to deny. But we don’t have to get pushed out the door to feel the pain of rejection.

Eons ago our survival depended on being sensitive to rejection — without the protection of the clan, we were dead meat. Now, that sensitivity that used to save our hides can make us miserable!

If you don’t believe me, just think about the last time you asked him if you looked fat. Chances are, he didn’t have to say anything; just looking like he didn’t know what to say was enough. Or what about the last time she mentioned a car or a vacation you couldn’t afford, maybe one her ex could have easily paid for?

We are biologically programmed to sense rejection as a sign that something is wrong with us…and because we grow up with words like “no,” “bad” and “evil,” unconscious feelings of inferiority are universal. We can get depressed or cranky without even realizing it’s because we got our feelings hurt.

It doesn’t really matter if you’re seven pounds overweight — besides you knew you were before you asked. And who cares what you drive or where you vacation — what you really want is to be happy.… More

You know that safe place you had with a grandparent? Remember the teacher who believed in you?

In their presence, it seemed like everything would be okay, right? You felt safe … to run and to fall down. You could do anything. Because somebody loved you no matter what!

Now, you can give yourself a safe place and carry it with you everywhere.… More

Kids can be consuming. How do you maintain a relationship and take care of a family, too?

Getting married and having a family may be the dream, but the reality can feel like an alarm clock that won’t stop. It helps to think of the alarm clock as a call to the intimacy that everyday life affords us.

We see the sleeping faces, we hear the sweet sighs and the cries for help. We see a partner at the end of the day–before and after unwinding. And we have a chance to better know and understand each other.

That’s intimacy! And it breeds acceptance … unless you allow it to breed resentment, instead.

If you and your partner work as a parenting team, you get to know each other in that context, as well. You can appreciate each others strengths and weaknesses, without resenting either one. You can recognize and appreciate what each of you contributes to the family.

You can feel completely seen and known. You can feel loved to the core. And THAT is the fairytale.

If you make it that far, you will want to make time for your relationship as a couple … and you will. … More