Love has no agenda …

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My husband Sam headed west in the 70s in a VW microbus with peace signs painted on it, and he ended up in a commune in Washington.

So imagine my surprise when I learned (several years ago) that he confronted my brother. Sam was essentially daring my brother to “take his eyebrow off.” OK, so my brother had a mean swing and a reputation for defending himself. But Sam loves my brother.

Did he just let the anger overwhelm him and lose his temper? Yes, but there’s more to it than that. It’s a guy thing!

When guys are together, they use the speaking style appropriate to the context and the relationship, the same way they would for a job interview or a conversation with an aunt, according to Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., author of “I Only Say This Because I Love You.”

The gruff manner and hostile teasing demonstrate friendship. That arm punching thing? It’s a display of affection. And the one-upping each other and putting each other down are signs that they’re comfortable friends.

So, when there’s anger to be expressed or a defense to be made, perhaps men rise (or stoop, as the case may be) to another level of gruffness?… More

When’s the last time you tried something HE likes to do? Last time you grumbled because he was doing it?

Behavioral intimacy, or how much you like to do together, is one measure of compatibility. And you don’t really know if you like to jog, or golf, or play poker if you haven’t given it a fair chance. Try on his interests and enjoy the aspects that you can appreciate. You’ll learn more about what speaks to him, pleases him, energizes him, and relaxes him. You’ll understand him better, which makes it easier to love and accept him.

If you’re thinking, “Yeah right, like he’s going to take me jogging,” ask yourself why he wouldn’t. Maybe he assumes you’re not inclined to jog, because you have assumed you’re not. Why?

Then, think about what you would absolutely love to do and invite him to join you. If he declines, you can suggest an alternative, or do it without him. He might surprise you by accepting your invitation … and posing his own. If you want an invitation, don’t nag or complain; just give him one! Stay in touch with what nurtures you — physically, mentally, or spiritually — and share it.… More