Love has no agenda …

When you and your partner rub each other the wrong way, you’re still partners. And the task at hand is to polish the rough edges.

Love doesn’t have any.… More

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My husband Sam headed west in the 70s in a VW microbus with peace signs painted on it, and he ended up in a commune in Washington.

So imagine my surprise when I learned (several years ago) that he confronted my brother. Sam was essentially daring my brother to “take his eyebrow off.” OK, so my brother had a mean swing and a reputation for defending himself. But Sam loves my brother.

Did he just let the anger overwhelm him and lose his temper? Yes, but there’s more to it than that. It’s a guy thing!

When guys are together, they use the speaking style appropriate to the context and the relationship, the same way they would for a job interview or a conversation with an aunt, according to Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., author of “I Only Say This Because I Love You.”

The gruff manner and hostile teasing demonstrate friendship. That arm punching thing? It’s a display of affection. And the one-upping each other and putting each other down are signs that they’re comfortable friends.

So, when there’s anger to be expressed or a defense to be made, perhaps men rise (or stoop, as the case may be) to another level of gruffness?… More