Love has no agenda …

When you’re caught up in the busyness or routine of everyday life, you might not think to give each other a massage, discover the stars together, or share your latest insight … unless you’re prompted by props. A little planning can ensure that you have ready space to engage, nurture, and affirm each other.

Here’s how it works. Think about the different aspects of you:

Behavioral — what do you like to do? Make sure your space makes it easy for you to smile, play Scrabble, sit in the garden, dance to old songs, bake brownies, or whatever. And don’t forget the props. Use solar lights in the garden that beckon you into the night, keep your favorite song at the touch of a button on the dinner table. Find repose in tradition, but don’t limit yourself to old standbys. Try out new interests — sing, paint, jog, or build something together.

Emotional — share what you’re feeling about you, your relationship, and life. The deeper the sharing, the deeper the connection. Set up a warm, comfy spot for just the two of you to talk. Make sure you’re facing each other and close enough to touch. You might use an art glass bowl or journal as a reminder to write love notes to each other.… More

From the time we learn the word “no,” we begin to get the message that what we would do naturally is “bad.”

As young children, we can’t make a distinction between our behavior and ourselves, so we buy into a lie — the lie that in order to be good enough we have to sit still and be quiet, or look pretty, or SOMETHING. But you know as well as I do that some of the demands we place on children (and ourselves) are more apt to stifle them than make them good.

“Even if you were fortunate enough to grow up in a safe, nurturing environment, you still bear invisible scars from childhood, because from the very moment you were born you were a complex, dependent creature with a never-ending cycle of needs. Freud correctly labeled us ‘insatiable beings.’ And no parents, no matter how devoted, are able to respond perfectly to all of these changing needs,” says Harville Hendrix in his bestselling “Getting the Love You Want.”

We have a fundamental motivation to be accepted, which is why you might jump to defend yourself, your parents, your children (even while reading this). Rejection used to point to a problem that needed our attention, and our survival depended on how sensitive and responsive we were.… More

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LOVE does some of its best work in our intimate relationships, because they dig deep enough to trigger our ego. And we have to identify the ego and acknowledge it in order to grow beyond it.… More

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