Love has no agenda …

In desperate moments, we just want somebody to have dinner with…but in our heart of hearts, we want to be cherished. We want to be completely known and loved by somebody who thinks we’re perfect.

For years I’m sure there were people who thought I was way too picky or idealistic. Some of them gave words to their exasperation, “What do you think you’re going to do with Mr. Perfect when you find him? Isn’t he going to want somebody perfect?”

I wasn’t looking for anybody else’s idea of perfection, though. The 35-year-old on the cover of “Fortune” will likely go for somebody younger…OK, maybe taller and richer, too. But, hey, 35 isn’t perfect for me. And maybe it isn’t perfect for you, either.

There is somebody out there who is perfect for you, though, and you can trust that you are perfect for him (or her), as well.

When Ann Weber, professor of psychology at the University of N.C. at Chapel Hill, first told me, “A five is going to be most happy with a five,” I cringed. Assigning a number — a five (out of 10) — to humans in search of love seemed cold.

But she was right!… More

For the best relationship ever, start with a clean slate. Wipe away the black marks and start fresh, aiming, once again, for consummate love. Only this time, do it with consummate love in clear view. Know what you’re going for, and you have a better shot at it.

According to Robert J. Sternberg, a psychologist and psychometrician of Cornell University, perfect love is a high level of intimacy, passion, and commitment.

• Intimacy: Psychological knowledge shared, and connection based on that knowledge
• Passion: Erotic attraction
• Commitment: The decision that a person loves another person and the commitment to maintain that love

It’s difficult to experience a high level of any one of the three if you focus on how you’ve been wronged or short-changed; and each one works to strengthen or weaken the others (see diagram below). Wiping the slate clean, on the other hand, allows you to immediately enjoy what you have and develop more of it.

I realize that a clean slate isn’t exactly something you can order online or have somebody else deliver; but relationships are about giving what you have. So give YOURSELF a clean slate. When you wipe yours clean, you wipe his clean, too!… More

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