Bad boys, good friends … and more

“How come the nice guy couldn’t also make my toes curl?” asks a reader.

It’s a little like asking why the muscular one couldn’t also be rich, or why she couldn’t be smart, too.

That said, sometimes somebody makes our toes curl by eluding our grasp, or being a “bad boy.” We — men and women — want the best partner we can find. When we can’t quite snag somebody, we may assume we are approaching the best we can get, as the chemical rush kicks in!

Irrational, I know, but up close and emotionally involved, we can lose both our objectivity and our rationale.

I bet you can think of a whole string of men who are challenged by monogamy. They are biologically programmed to want variety. That does not make them a great catch or even a keeper!

Women, on the other hand, are programmed to compare their partner and relationship with the options. And some, continually wondering whether they can do better, are reluctant to settle on one. Again, that doesn’t make them a great catch.

So where does that leave the nice men — or women — who are emotionally available to us?

Often, the nice ones can be found sticking by us as friends, even as we chase carrots we THINK we want. And, given the opportunity , they may go so far as to make our toes curl!

We ultimately want a companion to share all of life with, somebody we can love and trust and grow with. Eventually, men become less concerned with variety, and women become less concerned with comparisons — in order to get what they want long-term.

Another reader writes:

“He hasn’t dated much since he broke up with his girlfriend two years ago, and we’ve become very good friends. How significant is it that he’s suddenly taken to kissing me goodbye after a night out?”

Kisses — even little ones — mean something! You don’t have to be a mind reader or do an analysis to find out what. You just have to ask … and know that you’re asking a trusted friend.

Some people, even experts, will tell you that chemistry is either there or it’s not – and that it’s difficult to create. Mostly, I agree.

But sometimes chemistry is there, and we have yet to take notice. Maybe you’re still learning that hard-to-get isn’t necessarily better. Maybe one of you is already in a committed relationship, making romantic feelings taboo. Or maybe you’re still figuring out what you ultimately want.

It’s important to note that when our reader first got to know her friend, he had a girlfriend. A first impression can stick and make for a long transition from friendly to romantic, especially if both friends are afraid to go there.

Don’t hold back and analyze too much. If you want to know what somebody feels, tell him or her what you feel. You need not worry about messing up the friendship. Sharing your thoughts will deepen your connection. Either way, you win.

It’s when we try to hide our feelings that friendship is most in jeopardy! When we express our feelings, we also find some direction for them. We face the truth and let our friend face it with us.

Enjoy your relationships for what they are, AND give them a chance to evolve.

“I’m rather hoping that the goodnight kisses lead to more, but if it turns out that we just hang out and watch soaps and football games together at the nursing home someday, I’m sure that will be a good time, too,” says our reader.

When you are looking for more, a very good friend just might be a better source than a “bad boy.”