Looking for a grand finale?

We all have favorite fireworks — the ones that change color or explode again and again, or cascade like they’re never going to stop. But it’s the finale that peaks our exuberance and leaves us with hushed satisfaction.

A finale by definition requires that we lead up to it…so our expectation of a grand “finale” while jumping into sex sets the stage for failure.

New books on how to have great sex keep streaming in. You want to know.

When we make our own fireworks, we can start out with a bang, but between the bang and the finale, we have to vary the intensity. We have to leave ourselves someplace to go. If we deplete our triple spins and flying missiles in the first few minutes, there may be no finale. It’s a simple lesson.

Try thinking of sex as a chance to tell your partner how much you love him. In order for your expression to be sincere and well received, you have to feel love. Get to that point before you start trying to light the fireworks.

And in the words of our dance instructor (yes, Sam and I took dance lessons), “take her with you.” Make sure you’re together — this is critical on and off the dance floor.

Lie next to each other, and let go of the tension and busyness. Quiet your minds until you can feel and focus on love. Then, as you begin to express your love — with eye contact or words or touch — each step lays the foundation for more. Each step fuels the next, and the excitement naturally mounts.

The problem is that we often initiate sex (gotta catch ’em before they fall asleep) or respond to an advance haphazardly, before being centered. Spontaneity is a wonderful part of a relationship, but magic stems from spontaneity when we relax enough to let it flow.

You cannot jump in after it. It is not something you can see or catch.

When you find yourself in hot pursuit, stop and take a deep breath. Talk to your sweetheart (without using more words than you need). And then be open to what happens naturally, without any expectations. Don’t feel obligated to go nonstop and complete the act.

It’s liberating to realize that it’s OK to take a break and venture off the well-worn path…and retreating together is an opportunity to bond. Be silent! Offer a massage. Make music or light a candle.

It’s easy to get stuck in a predictable pattern, and the longer you are there, the tougher it is to break free. You can dig yourself right into a rut. The moves and the sequence don’t have to be the same; they don’t have to be different either! But on occasion, stretch outside of your comfort zone. Let love guide you. There’s no pressure (unless you take it on).

Let it unfold. You don’t have to finish in the kitchen just because you start there. Talk. But try not to anticipate…then, you’re not in the present. I asked my sweetie, “Is this going to be too hard?” He said (he’s so smart), “If it is, we’ll move.”

Remember: You are not performing. You are telling your partner how much you love him (or her).

The fireworks are in there. Invite them out — without forcing anything.

The finale doesn’t always look the same. Hushed satisfaction can come after a burst of laughter, or quietly embracing each other, or talking about something you have always been afraid to talk about.

Get centered on love. Stay in the moment, and trust that the next moment will build on it. Let the grand finale happen.