Jan Denise, author, speaker, relationships & self-worth consultant

For years, I have tried to minimize maintenance. I wanted to spend my time living–not getting ready to live. Of course, I also wanted to do, whatever I did, with a smile. But that did not stop me from trying to finish the “work,” so I could get to the fun. Work is just an attitude, though, right?

I have finally made a connection between the work of maintenance and pleasure I can actually FEEL. We have to learn to love our self in order to be at peace and truly love others. And turns out, all that maintenance is how we learn self-care and self-love.

So, when I sit down to manicure my nails this afternoon, instead of wishing I could do it once and for all, I will do my best to find pleasure in loving myself well. And, when I sit down to breakfast in just a little while, I am definitely going to find deep-breath, OMG pleasure in sustaining my body with high-protein, berry-banana pancakes. Oh, and I will find heaven as I jog barefoot on the beach before breakfast. You see, I have learned to make some of my maintenance double as fun.

Love smiles,… More

I just explained to a friend that “friends with benefits” refers to friends who have sex. But in a study, college students needed no explanation; 60 percent of those surveyed have had this type of relationship.

Sex, the thing that traditionally distinguished a friendship from a romantic relationship, is now up for grabs.

And I’m getting e-mails from those who want to know how they can participate … not just how to find a willing friend, but how to turn sex into something they can do with a friend. One woman went so far as to tell me, after reading John Gray’s advice column, that she must not be normal.

Do we really want to engage in sex the way we watch a movie or eat takeout with friends? Let’s not mindlessly jump on the bandwagon — and even if we decide FWB falls within the normal range, let’s not make it our goal.

My first invitation to engage in FWB came from a close friend about 30 years ago, long before all the press. There was too much mutual respect for me to be offended, but I was curious. Why would we do that?

He explained that having sex with each other would take the pressure off and allow us to take our time in finding a romantic relationship and incorporating sex … smart, resourceful guy, loyal friend.… More